Experts at St Petersburg University suggest peaceful ways for resolving domestic conflicts during lockdown

The Mediation Centre has been operating at St Petersburg University since 2018. It is where St Petersburg residents can apply for an out-of-court peaceful settlement of disputes: civil, commercial, labour, family, medical, housing and others. Since the beginning of the COVID-19 epidemic in St Petersburg, the number of visits to the St Petersburg University Mediation Centre has increased by one third. ‘Is it possible, that the isolation mode is the driver of this trend? Yes, it is. Moreover, more and more requests are aimed not at finding a solution to the conflict, but at forcing the deprivation or restriction of the rights of the other side,’ said Evgeniia Vaskova, Director of the St Petersburg University Mediation Centre.

The experts at the St Petersburg University Mediation Centre include conflict experts, lawyers and psychologists. They emphasised that for a long period of time the rapidly accelerating pace of life did not allow people to spend time at home with their loved ones. Communication was limited to evenings and weekends. Evgeniia Vaskova noted: ‘Today we are caged up within four walls and are in constant touch with each other, which is an unusual situation. A lack of the ability to freely choose the space you are in, the restriction of activity, and a change in behaviour patterns inevitably alter the communication model – but not always for the better.’

The specialists in the Centre recommended using the same techniques in everyday life that professional mediators use in their work. These are used to build a dialogue between the parties, organise a negotiation field, and reach an agreement. First of all, it is necessary to distinguish between facts, interpretations and emotions. Associate Professor at St Petersburg University, Head of the Consulting and Mediation Service, mediator of St Petersburg Chamber of Commerce and Industry, Elena Ivanova explained: ‘Upon receipt of information, the human brain automatically proceeds to interpretation. A person evaluates this interpretation in terms of good/bad, right/wrong and responds to assessments with appropriate emotions, and even sticks a label – a diagnosis to the source of information.’

As a result, there is a response not to an objective event, but to how a person perceived and appreciated it. This easily becomes a cause for conflicts. Therefore, Elena Ivanova advised, if you do not want to answer in an angry way, stop for a few seconds and realise what you are going to react to, rewind the chain ‘action-assessment/emotion-interpretation-fact’. ‘As a result, instead of annoyingly telling your wife: “What kind of housekeeper are you? You’ve been at home all day, and didn’t even cook dinner in time; you don’t consider anyone else”. You could say: “Your child has problems connecting to distance learning today, you spent half a day trying to solve it, and have been very worried all this time". As a result, a warm atmosphere will reign in the family. It will be possible to think about how next time the whole family will solve problems faster,’ Elena Ivanova noted confidently.

The second technique recommended by the mediators at the University is the method of active listening. In conflict studies this is also called the ‘technique of conducting partner conversation’. This means that the dialogue is conducted on equal terms, and the person does not pronounce a monologue, does not ignore the thoughts and feelings of the partner, does not give negative assessments. Instead the person shows attention and respect even to those statements they do not agree with. ‘This does not oblige you to agree with everything,’ Elena Ivanova explained. ‘Using these tricks, you not only listen to your partner, but also hear and understand them. As a result, you find a common language, and it is quite possible that your partner will do you a favour.’ The experts advise to show the interest to the interlocutor through rephrasing the thoughts and feelings expressed by them (“You mean that ...”, “That is, you want to say that ...”), the assumption of conclusions arising from their words (“That is, you I would like to ... ","We can conclude that...").

An effective technique, according to the staff of the St Petersburg University Mediation Centre, is also to quote part or all of a partner’s statement. For example, repeating the end of their sentence with the addition of a question. If the child says ‘I want a completely different thing’, you can answer ‘A completely different thing.  And what exactly do you want?’ A summary will also be helpful. ‘This is not about your labour merits, but about an intermediate summarisation of what your partner said in an abridged and generalised form,’ the mediator explained. This message should contain the most important thing that will allow you to understand whether you correctly caught the essence of what was said by the speaker ("As I understand it, you are interested in three things ..."). This will relieve them of the need to repeat, and you will be free from the necessity to listen to the same things several times. A particularly important block consists of techniques for expressing empathy for a partner and understanding their emotions (“I see that you are very worried about ...”, “I'm sorry that you have hard times ...”).

Clarification, concretisation of the statement (“What do you mean by ...”, “What exactly does ……mean to you?”) are usually useful. So, you can clarify the information and highlight the most significant moments of the conversation. The speaker feels that they are acknowledged, and that they are heard and understood correctly. These techniques allow the speaker to realise their position, to understand how it looks to others, and stimulate them to articulate their thoughts more clearly. Thanks to such actions, an atmosphere of security and trust is created, which encourages a friendly and frank dialogue.

‘The techniques of partnering may seem obvious, but in reality they are used much less often than it would be worth doing to preserve peace in the family. In order to make such techniques work, sincerity and willingness to cooperate are important,’ said Elena Ivanova.

During the pandemic, the St Petersburg University Mediation Centre operates online, the application can be sent by e-mail to mediation@spbu.ru.